i thought somebody would've had the foresight to leave some sort of hint for us, of whats to come we'd thought our parents have figured the machinations of the universe out by now if they had the gall of bringing a loud crying baby into such a predatory world usually these hints or advice are only written after the fact. when it comes back to see you get bit in the ass, call that hindsight then i guess wisdom comes at the cost of confusion and hurt but rarely does it ever make sense once its settled it's a dissonance telling you to change your present or to keep rereading into the permanent past. When i say permanent, i mean recurring. I can hear my anxieties and thats the recurring cycle of my psyche for the week but i hardly ever see anyone stay true to their growth permanently after all, we all admit we were stunted from the get-go right? a moment in the past is often mistaken to be wisdom i, myself, can time-travel but it comes with a curse the heavy burden of laying this newfound present on the voices finding new presents to open telling them either choose this screwed up path or my screwed up past the gift that keeps on giving after so many attempts to change the narrative, i've realized the past had strict rules. stripper rules you could look, but never touch there were still memories i wish i hadn't tampered with I look back on the many moments of everyone struggling to identify themself amongst the different backdrops they had to inhabit classroom workplace church family i could be wrong, but i had the impression that dad had a better time imbibing into his privatised survival tactics with his fellow coworkers than to listen to my mom struggling to teach me piano in the after hours we never talked all that much. And if we did, it was always over alcohol, a large meal, and in english.. Something to keep our mouths busy from talking, but also maybe inspire something to talk about without much awkwardness. It was always about the boys, even if i never felt like one. leaving mom out of the equation. I ask if she ever felt left out. I can tell. But she closes her eyes and nods no. That she's much happier to know that the family is sitting down together in some shape or form. at the time, i understood it as if everyone in this family is avoiding a version of ourselves we didn't like but lately, i understand how lonely we've all felt, and I completely get it. cuz deep down he's still the same boy that i'll never see in myself and to no thanks to god, i'm forced to inherit the promises they couldn't keep on their behalf if only I was like her, eyes closed and nodding, i would be happier knowing that everyone i loved could be sitting at the dinner table right now

my scorpio moon is a double edge stinger and i can't stand my leo rising after many times my cherry got popped I want every breath i take to be taken away in hopes i can suffocate in comfort knowing I was listening to my favorite songs that truly understood my discomfort from it all people of the hex code #FFFFFF put their money or property towards terrorizing and yet here they pioneer counter-terrorism this industrial complex has got us inheriting guns if not to kill, whats there to protect? you sure it wasn't for killing? ah for sport. to kill game. regardless you can't justify your hobbies without taking away something precious your favorite childhood game became a recruiter. you sure you still look up to him? wouldn't it be fun to be fun? there were little black spots on the onion what a great veggie this is the fifth time i cooked an egg with diced mushrooms maybe i'll add some toast to that too a toast to every day I expect a toast to our dead president next i want to reiterate i woke up just now im on edge cuz of a sharp edge thousands voices in a cacophony auditorium I don't say shit cuz the plots the same but our narratives are to our liking both look down being socialized as men, but you frown at liberal jargon we both love women, but you're only in it for eye candy you know that shit isn't free free porn is piracy

Head down Neck deep Into The Wired to the collective consciousness, the masses, Blindsided Stay connected or be left behind on our own terms We got issues Issues with you WHy aren’t you out there Strapping yourselves to these boots Naturally, here are your essentials The tools you need for what is already unnatural Anything can be Seeing is believing It’s no wonder You can't hide from insecurities Did you see the girl standing in front of traffic Makes me check both ways on a one way The other day I saw a gun at the club We all limp high n mighty. Till we swallow some cyanide pride. We got our own wars to fight. There’s always some excuse. Chaos, intrigue. Bitter Bickering I am what I do alone Anything else, constructed Sometimes I can’t tell myself apart from me or you God’s existence Validated by entourage With or without, It ends with birds feasting their eyes My body takes residence In the tangible ground My mind takes precedence To escape the fragile all around Unconsciously, holding hands somehow whether we like it or not Solitary confinement is a torture, is it not Out here, your chest, heart n eyes Tell me promises But In there, we are pervasive and cruel Afterall, why would we need to eat and sleep When we can still point and laugh without Cuz killing is easy, but dying is a totally different story If it’s never up to you, it’s always up to someone else This isn’t freedom. This is an extension.

betrayal is a bitch sometimes a bitch didnt know so i'm bitchin to myself that others bitch too much but bad bitches be doing whatever they need to do and thats kinda sexy desirable indeed cuz a sad bitch can't fit in alliteration im illiterate i hate reading suggestions yet here i am suggesting that bad bitches get stuff done i read into that wholeheartedly cuz i need done the stuff a sad bitch has to do quit bitchin and be bad say whats on your mind said a sad bitch still stuck in some sorry ass excuse of a situation excuse me but a bad bitch be inconsiderate at times sometimes bad bitches expect you to know better cuz they never want to hold your hand through all of it when they never had that hand to begin with

After years of searching for the reasons I’ve made up to capture The suffering or the useless inventions of our former fathers After years of searching for the reasons you’ve made up to capture The killings you are making off the backs of the blinded workers After years of seeking for excuses we’ve made up to favor The passing of the torches to whom can carry all of our troubles Show you all the snuff they make Displacing families War crime pornography Equity in your privacy Invalidating anxieties Today like yesterday Enslaved to the craving The misuse and obtuse Feeling of abuse it was this and that or the other too

charlie brown he wants a way out fallen to the ground really wish you left town the same address just like before last time i checked you came knocking on my door i really wish you could see myself i really wish you could see myself in you its not for anyone else if it was, you end up facing yourself you've got a lot of work to do you can't but i wish i could

convenience of thought benefits you and I the same way it benefits a conversation to struggle more into the quicksand like I'm squirming to find my leave, but my dishonesty leaves much of my soul behind to sink i would blame my older counterparts for instilling such a fear and aversion from being openly honest i had to've mustered up the courage to be wounded in the first place for my heart to shatter from the thunderous emotional forecast fool me once, shame on me so on and so forth but. courageous? I only gathered the courage after fearing the "too late" scenario where your loud logic twisted against you, but I had given the compassion to make sense of it anyway it was indeed outrageous of me for even thinking that my best option to do nothing would've avoided anything at all lovelessness is what i call being in debt to the irrationalities of bonding we sit here wondering why but never wander to find meaningful answers the answer is never so simple the equation to everything that is happening surely, if i find more knowns, it'll all make sense of course it wouldn't because love is illogical love is irrational to try and say it justifies your decisions being made under that influence i would say you're driving recklessly "I did it outta love" ppttpphph but i guess it's too easy to say we're good enough without that we don't need it, that we're better than what love has to offer to be loveless is to get so much less for how much you've planted cuz why should we lend a hand, ear, or shoulder if everywhere else hurts i hate them so much cuz i loved them too much but just how much is too much? well that's exactly it asking how much is already placing the limit to the limitless because keeping tabs defeats the purpose of not having to explain what is already a simple answer: that people who say they don't give a flying duck, are the ones that quack and the ones that do, wont weigh you down, like the water off a duck's back I was talking with my brother last night we talk about many things or rather relatively close things He said that i’ve grown a lot I don’t feel like ive grown that much But i’ve been writing a lot I know in the past you have tried to get me to write I was too stubborn to ever take it seriously These days i wake up to write about anything my thoughts that i can't be bothered with I don’t want to bother anyone with it, cuz i wouldn’t want to be bothered by it But of course, everyone’s bothered with it, so i’m bothered by it I think that’s what love is about I'm not bothered for the things I do for love Then i ask myself: what is love? cuz i want it I’m not even sure what that is So i’m always looking for someone else’s definition Whichever is most profound Or whichever is most convenient

Nosebleeds, that's how high I am I chose these seats to occupy Dead shot right in the eyes Mind stuck from the blood inside You play these games against me You make me smile when I don't want to You play these ribs like a xylophone Maybe thats the kind love I don't get alone I mosied onto other things Mostly comfort n my own needs You play these games against me You make me smile when I don't want to

apart from the random flashing eyes that i see popping in and out of the walls, and sky, and blanketed tree line, did you ever wonder why tea stains at the brim of itself rather than having a clear stained and unstained territories now this observation has me comparing everything that seemed like a coin of which it has 2 sides and a hidden third side where fates dare to land on i mean hardly anyone seen a coin toss end on it's thin cylindrical strip but that strip is either the problem or the answer depending on how you look at it the two visible sides of the same coin are like breasts of a venn diagram separate yet complete and the thin blurry overlap is never taken into consideration i fear many things all of which aren't that scary it just brings back scary feelings that's all that really ever revolves around me why is it that I've gotten older but i'm still scared to have sex with others nothing against them, but what do they fancy about me? when i ask i get a myriad of nice answers, not good ones where does it all stem from? my strange friends and friendly strangers say i'm talented or look cute. thats right even my parents said the same thing but then what am i if i wasn't talented? or even looked cute? surely, if i was in that camp maybe nobody would've liked me maybe not so much as like or not liking but more like not feeling understood i've learned much later on that wanting to be understood is as easy as wanting to be blameless to understand others often takes on the toll because there's that disconnect where the misunderstood stand further back from what you see forward from their standpoint you eclipse that spot whatever the person understanding says could be misconstrued as pretentiousness or ignorance i would know but they wouldn't know that unless i told them maybe thats why my fear is held within realm of true intimacy and engulfment then i guess these problems are all pretty relative we all play both of these roles I'm over here waiting for someone to hold my hand thru it all and yet i can't be bothered with potentially handcuffing myself to anyone else

dishing out hours and minutes like the drinks are on me like its yours to spend on well, it is distractions diversions dissections into the sections of self-delusions the only thing you can focus on is yourself

welcome to the olympics i signed up but they didn't ask for winners i thought I was a loser because in these events everyone is at a loss for words for better or worse and that is the key to this that it's all relative we're all losers some have definitely won more than others but i'm not here to talk about winners because here we talk about all kinds of losers losers that make others lose because if it weren't for them i wouldn't be where I am it's their loss or maybe mine although i haven't really kept receipts i shouldnt really start again again, petty patty told me we never should have this hurt ledger on each other because everyones hurt and comparing our losses is apparently the only way for losers like us to win how ironic coming from petty patty because they're right, but they're wrong for saying it because petty patty practices petty tactics and we're all petty patties wanting a pat on the back for making it out on top truly we've all lost in the end

woke up with scratch marks thats what I dreamt of a long ass trip that ended up not what i expected i dont get nightmares, but i hardly have dreams outside of dreaming about making stuff happen im a slave to my own lcd panels but god i can hardly sit with my restless leg having someone else's reruns spoonfed into me for forced laughter i for one knew that this was a shit show everyone congregated together for something we never even rehearsed for the past decade as if someone had a plan for the end of the world joan of arc came to visit again i always welcome them for coming at the right time but its usually a bad time like Tim said I'm certainly not pleased with my options for the future what a catchy phrase negatives are contagious my scorpio moon is a double edge stinger and i can't stand my leo rising after many times my cherry got popped I want every breath i take to be taken away in hopes i can suffocate in comfort knowing I was listening to my favorite songs that truly understood my discomfort from it all people of the hex code #FFFFFF put their money or property towards terrorizing and yet here they pioneer counter-terrorism this industrial complex has got us inheriting guns if not to kill, whats there to protect? you sure it wasn't for killing? ah for sport. to kill game. regardless you can't justify your hobbies without taking away something precious your favorite childhood game became a recruiter. you sure you still look up to him? wouldn't it be fun to be fun? there were little black spots on the onion what a great veggie this is the fifth time i cooked an egg with diced mushrooms maybe i'll add some toast to that too a toast to every day I expect a toast to our dead president next i want to reiterate i woke up just now im on edge cuz of a sharp edge thousands voices in a cacophony auditorium I don't say shit cuz the plots the same but our narratives are to our liking both look down being socialized as men, but you frown at liberal jargon we both love women, but you're only in it for eye candy you know that shit isn't free free porn is piracy

these days ive been thinking about how much we love to sing always hollering, couldn't be bothered with it i think a part of me misses those years past because I had this feeling of invincibility that this path we all forge ourselves will stay intact. Of course, my naivety over time has compounded into this soft mass that hangs over like a cloud. Not everything goes as planned. But that’s really all of this is. We were never born into the life we wanted. Did we even want to be here in the first place? maybe thats why I loved to scream with others around me, knowing this life could be a helluva lot better. It’s comforting to know that we have the kernel to truly know what we want which is different for everyone but i'm pretty confident to say that it's a place to rest and call home where we needn’t to yell in the first place.